I have long heard people question those who have been in abusive and/or toxic situations:
"Why didn't they just leave?"
"Why did they stay if it was that bad?"
"Why didn't they say anything?"
Indeed, I have heard those very words about my own experiences. I have been asked "why didn't you tell us?".
Firstly, by asking those questions, we are immediately putting the blame on the survivors. The blame does not lay with them, it lays with the perpetrator. If anyone survives and leaves a toxic and/or abusive relationship, either intimate and non-intimate, they should be praised and empowered to take back control over their own lives. They should not face criticism or feel shame for what happened to them.
There are many barriers that may prevent someone from reaching out or feeling able to leave. I will discuss these in more detail now.
Shame and low self-esteem
Shame is a powerful multi-faceted emotion that involves negative beliefs about your sense of self. It is typically associated with a sense of "innate badness", "failure", "damaged" and/or "helpless". It has been found to be strongly related to anxiety, anger, depression and PTSD (for example Kim, Thibodeau & Jorgensen, 2011).
It has been long understood that we develop core beliefs about ourselves, others and the world through our relationships. These beliefs act as a lens through which we see and understand the world. Imagine, if you have been repeatedly put down, experience others as abusive, what your core beliefs may be?
Levels of shame are increased in those who have experienced trauma. Those in toxic and/or abusive relationships may have internalised shame, that they have done something wrong and thus, that they deserve the abuse and are to blame. Sometimes, people believe that they are weak for experiencing abuse.
Shame and self-criticism can make it difficult for someone to recognise that they deserve more. Whilst it may be frustrating for you to watch a loved one remain in a difficult relationship, being critical could fuel their very own self-criticism and sense of shame. It can push them away. It is more helpful to be there for them and ask them what they need.
Fear
A person in a toxic and/or abusive relationship is likely to be terrified. A person will likely be very fearful of the potential consequences if they decide to leave the relationship. This can include, fear of the other party's behaviour, risk of harm and the person's perceived ability to cope outside of the relationship.
I know that from my own personal experience, it sometimes felt safer to focus on pleasing the person who abused me rather than think about leaving. I was focused on self-preservation. To think of escaping felt too dangerous and took me away from what I needed to do there and then to survive.
Evidence shows that leaving any toxic and/or abusive relationship is incredibly dangerous. Risk to the person leaving a relationship typically, actually increases in the acute context (Femicide Census, 2020). It isn't a matter of just packing up and leaving, it is a huge decision to make which requires a lot of safety planning. Their fear is based on reality.
Practical issues
Often, in abusive relationships, the abuser controls every aspect of their victims life. This can include controlling finances, making their victim financially dependent upon them and unable to support themselves.
Toxic and/or abusive relationships often involves isolating a victim. Isolation furthers dependance upon the abuser. This makes it extremely difficult for victims to seek support and for others to recognise abuse.
Research also shows that victims who have insecure immigration status fear being deported and may have little understanding about their right to access appropriate support which can perpetuate being stuck in an abusive relationship.
Sometimes, victims of abuse, who are also parents, fear that if they are to leave an abusive or toxic relationship that social services will become involved and lose their children.
There is an added barrier for those with health or disability concerns, particularly in terms of requiring carer support. Their abuser may also be their care giver.
I was a child. I was reliant on the very person who was abusing me. I was homeless when I escaped. Imagine being worried about shelter if you were to escape a toxic and/or abusive relationship.
Lack of understanding
To acknowledge that one is being abused and then to tell someone is not easy. There is much work to do in terms of recognising when someone is being abused and/or controlled. I myself saw my experiences minimised and dismissed until the evidence was too overwhelming that it could not be ignored. It should not have to get to that point before someone is listened too.
It is hard to tell people when they aren't willing to listen. It is not nice to hear that someone is being abused. However, it is always worse for the victim.
What to do if someone tells you they are being abused
Listen. Listen. Listen.
It takes enormous strength to talk about experiencing abuse. Do not push them for details that they are not willing to share.
Acknowledge how brave they are being by sharing this with you. It is an important step forward.
Do not blame them.
Do not say "I knew it", "I told you so", "You should have said something earlier".
Remind them that you are there to support them and direct them to services specific to the abuse they are experiencing. For more information about specific services, please visit my "Support for Survivors" page.
In an emergency, always call 999.