Firstly, I am not anti-mothers day. I have amazing friends and family members who are fantastic mothers. When I see their love for their children, it makes me heart swell with joy. I feel so lucky to witness such love. These mothers, whom should be appreciated every day, absolutely deserve a dedicated day to be celebrated.
Mother's day, whilst often a time of joy and celebration for some, is not always the case.
For some, mother's day is surrounded by grief, from mothers who have suffered loss from miscarriage to death of their child, from those who have lost their loving mother, for those who desire so much to become a mother.
There appears to be societal expectations and a sense of obligation that everyone should celebrate mother's day. Well, the reality is that not all mother's are kind or caring. Some of them are toxic, some of them are abusive. They may not be "mad", but "bad". Their behaviour is not excusable because they are a "mother". You have the right to protect yourself and cut that toxicity out of your life.
For some people, like myself, mother's day is a reminder of the toxicity and/or abuse one has experienced at the hands of their "mother". It can bring about memories of abuse, a reminder that you didn't have the mother that you deserved, perhaps it brings about a loss of how you thought things should be.
I want to send my love to all those battling any difficulties on mother's day. You are deserving of love and kindness.
My tips for looking after yourself today.
Back to basics
Take care of your body and mind using the PLEASE skill. PLEASE is an acronym used in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and refers to:
Treat Physical Illness. Take care of your body. If you are physically unwell in any way, it can impact your emotional regulation and decision making. By taking care of your body, you take care of your mind.
Balance Eating. try not too eat too little or too much. Try to eat mindfully throughout the day. As difficult and boring as it may sound, eating a balanced diet is very important. When your body has the nourishment it needs, you are better able to cope and regulate. Eating a balanced diet does not necessarily mean going on a stringent diet plan. Instead, you can start with small steps. For example, you may start by adding one more serving of fruit to your day, or making one healthy swap in your routine. You can continue making small changes until you have a well-balanced diet.
Avoid Mood Altering Substances. Avoid illicit drugs and use alcohol in moderation (if at all).
Balance Sleep. If you can, try to get 7-9 hours of sleep a night. It can be helpful to maintain a consistent sleep routine. If you need to nap, try to limit it to 30 minutes,
Exercise: Research has demonstrated how amazing exercise is for our physical and mental health. If you are not up for high intensity exercise, try to do some gentle exercise, like a twenty minute walk. It is best practice to consult a health care professional before making intense changes to your exercise regime.
Drop anchor when experiencing an emotional storm:
Acknowledge and name how you truly feel. Try not to repress or suppress your emotions. It is OK to feel. Kindly acknowledge whatever shows up inside of you, whether that be thoughts, emotions, memories, and/or urges.
Connect back into your body. Connect with what is going on in your body. Ground your body, you could try pushing your feet into the ground, holding out your arms, holding yourself, or placing a kind hand on the place of discomfort.
Engage in the present. Notice what is occurring around you. Connect with the present moment. It can be helpful to use your senses; in your surroundings, notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell and 1 taste in your mouth or deep. breathe. Alternatively, engage with an activity that matters to you.
Set Boundaries.
Relationships are complex. Whatever the reason is for not celebrating mother's day, having boundaries is important for your protection. Boundaries can come in many forms. Physical boundaries refers to helping you feel comfortable and safe. This can include putting in boundaries to respect your personal space. Psychological boundaries ensures that your emotional wellbeing and values are respected. It is important to take ownership of your own feelings and not to be made responsible for other people's feelings. Everyone has the right to have their feelings respected. This can include telling someone that you don't want to talk about a particular topic, setting expectations about communication. When communicating a boundaries, be CLEAR (concise, lucid language, emotion free, assertive, repeat if necessary).
Remember, you are allowed to feel comfortable by holding your boundaries. If people care about you, they will respect your boundaries and have your best interests at heart.
You may decide that you need to either "mend" or "end" a relationship that is no longer (or maybe never has been) nurturing or positive. If you decide to mend a relationship, it takes commitment from both people. Be clear on your role within the relationship. If you decide to end a relationship, it can be helpful to end with compassion to allow you to move on in a healthier manner. Be honest and CLEAR yet respectful. Sometimes, it is necessary to keep a line of communication open (i.e., parent of a child).
Soothe.
Try the Butterfly Hug:
The butterfly hug is a form of bilateral stimulation and is a highly effective tool in soothing your emotional state and to come back in to your body. Cross your arms over your chest, so that the middle finger on both hands is placed just below the collarbone, with your hands pointing towards the neck (it should look like a butterfly's body). Closing or partially closing your eyes (looking to the top of your nose), alternate moving your hands, like flapping the winds of a butterfly. Try to breathe slowly and deeply, whilst observing what appears in your mind and body almost as if you are observing clouds in the sky passing by. Here is a helpful link to the skill: The Butterfly Hug (youtube.com)
Practice gratitude, recognise what you are grateful for. Recognise who loves you and who offers you a sense of psychological and physical safety. Being around people who you love and care can release feel good hormones such as oxytocin and endorphins.
Engage in activities that are meaningful and valuable to you. Schedule in some pleasant activities.
Compassion.
Be sensitive to your emotional pain and needs. Listen to what your pain and need is communicating without condemning or judging. Hold a sense of warm and compassion to yourself as you do this. Think about how you can compassionately relieve or sit with your pain.
I particularly love an exercise based on Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) called the compassionate colour. I would like to encourage you to try this for yourself:
Make yourself comfortable and if you feel safe to do so, either slowly close your eyes or hold a soft gaze looking at the floor. Engage in deep, slow breathing. When you’re ready, I invite you to imagine a colour that you associate with compassion, or a colour that conveys some sense of warmth and kindness. Imagine this compassionate colour surrounding you. Then, imagine it slowly entering you as you breathe deeply. Focus on this colour having strength, wisdom and kindness. Now, as you imagine the colour flowing through you, focus on the feeling that the sole purpose of this colour is to help you, to strengthen you and support you. Let the colour surround your emotional pain. It does not aim to get rid of your emotional pain, it is there to hold and support it. Then when you are ready, slowly bring your awareness back into the present and proceed with compassion.
Finally, I would like end this blog with a compassionate letter to my younger self who endured trauma.
Dear Emily,
You have gone through hell. You are so scared. You are tired. You are hungry. You are confused. You have internalised the abusive words and actions of your biological mother. That is understandable, what other choice did you have? The person who was supposed to protect you and help you flourish, instead focused on depriving you of all of your liberties, she violated and tortured you. You have endured more than most people can truly understand and that can feel really lonely.
Under no circumstances, did you deserve what was done to you. You deserved so much better. I am so incredibly proud of you. You navigated survival to the very best of your ability. You carry injuries from your survival. I know you feel shame. But they are your war wounds. They symbolise your survival.
You don't need to hide. You don't need to be ashamed. You are a warrior. You deserve to find the light within, it shines bright for others to see. I love you. I promise to always love you.
You're now free.
Your adult self xx