Shame is usually a blend of other emotions, such as anger, anxiety, and disgust. It is an emotion that is specifically linked to a sense of ourselves. Shame is typically associated with a person having a global view of themselves as unworthy, inadequate or unlovable.
Shame is located within our threat system and as we know, evolution has taught and primed us to pay more attention to threat based emotions from a survival point of view. It is believed that shame develops at around 2 years old. Shame is thought to be protective in the moment in that it signals to us that we have "deviated" from some social norm. Shame is a common response to trauma. Our mind tries to make sense of what has happened and it can be easier to believe that there is something wrong with you rather than believe that the person who has abused you, often a loved one or caregiver, has hurt you for no reason.
When we experience multiple or significant life experiences of shame this can have a longer-term detrimental impact on us, we can develop deep beliefs and concerns about ourselves and the way others treat us. If one views themselves as unworthy or defective, it can lead to rejecting and critical self-talk. Shame can prompt a person to withdraw or hide rather than to constructively engage with others. If shame is associated with feelings of humiliation, it can even prompt destructive or defensive behaviours.
Perhaps you can see then, that shame is not helpful and can be quite harmful for one's self-esteem and relationships.
How can we overcome shame? Through developing our compassionate mind.
Why not try this powerful exercise, next time you notice yourself speaking in a critical manner about yourself, bring to mind an image of three year old you, why not try imagining them sitting across from you. Then when you are ready, imagining saying these critical things to three year old you. What do you notice? How does it feel for you, and for three year old you? When you speak to yourself in a critical manner, I ask that you can keep in mind that little person who is hurting underneath.
Developing self-compassion involves:
Being motivated to develop self-compassion.
To make an effort to train our minds to be sensitive to our thoughts, feelings and needs.
Become sympathetic to ours and others suffering.
Begin to tolerate our variety of feelings.
Develop empathy and understanding of our thoughts, feelings and needs.
Non-judgemental of our self and of others.
I particularly love an exercise based on Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) called the compassionate colour. I would like to encourage you to try this for yourself. Make yourself comfortable and if you feel safe to do so, either slowly close your eyes or hold a soft gaze looking at the floor. Engage in deep, slow breathing. When you’re ready, I invite you to imagine a colour that you associate with compassion, or a colour that conveys some sense of warmth and kindness. Imagine this compassionate colour surrounding you. Then, imagine it slowly entering you as you breathe deeply. Focus on this colour having strength, wisdom and kindness. Now, as you imagine the colour flowing through you, focus on the feeling that the sole purpose of this colour is to help you, to strengthen you and support you. Let the colour surround your emotional pain. It does not aim to get rid of your emotional pain, it is there to hold and support it. Then when you are ready, slowly bring your awareness back into the present and proceed with compassion.
You can read more about compassionate mind training here: https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Compassion
Throughout this blog, I will continue to share my favourite exercises to help develop your compassionate mind. Watch this space!
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